You're a Wooty!

The other night we were preparing to go out to my son's basketball awards ceremony when I came downstairs and asked "Son, do I look okay?

He smiled at me with a sweet and endearing look on his face and replied "Mom, you look beautiful.  You're a wooty."

"Devon?" I asked "What in the heck is a wooty" to which he matter-of-factly responded "A white girl with a booty!"


"Devon!" I exclaimed, "that is totally inappropriate!" and as much as I tried to keep a straight face I could not hold back my giggle and gave in "But awe... that is so sweet!" 

Kids know how to make your day!

Come on, Hit me mom!

Today was a school holiday so after sleeping all day he was primed and ready when I got home from work. Unfortunately I worked a ten hour day...

"Hey mom, how was your day, what's for dinner?"

"It was good, how was yours and quesadillas."

He proceeded to tell me about all the things he did during the day in between eating and sleeping.

He eats and then is ready to play. He dances and plays with the dog, we play toss the empty milk jug around, we talk and finally i stop to clean the kitchen.

"Come on mom, I'm bored hit me with something?"

"Devon! I'm not going to hit you with something.."

"Come on mom I'll show you my ninja reflexes" he says

"No!" I reply

He persists "Hit me! Throw something at me!!"

"No!" again I refuse.

He begins to get irritated "Hit me wit something!" he yells.

Then this weird low pitched noise comes out of his mouth."aaaaaaaaaauuuuuunnnnkkk!"

Then again "aaaaaaaaaaaauuuuunk!" and again "aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuunnnnk!"

"Mom, I'm going to keep doing this until you hit me with something!"

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuunk!" "aaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuunnnnnnk!"

So what's a mom to do? I pick up the empty milk jug and hurl it at him. Well needless to say "Moms still got it, cuz his ninja reflexes weren't as fast as my Chinese throwing jug and I nailed him right in the face to which of course he replies.....

"I can't believe you hit me!" and he stormed off.

Don't worry folks at home, the only thing hurt was his ego!

Scared the Bajeezies out of him

Three months ago.

It was bedtime, I said good nite and sent him off to his room then settled in to a nice hot shower.

After relaxing from my shower I put on my jammies, came out of the bathroom, slid into my bed and snuggled up to my comforter.

A few stretches and a deep sigh later I closed my eyes and began to fall into a slumber. Suddenly I hear a deep mans voice from under the side of my bed say "How you doin?"

I screamed bloody murder! I jumped out of my bed and began looking for the kitchen knife I hide next to my bed.

Oh lord, You hear about this happening to other people but this was happening to me. There is an intruder in MY house!

Still screaming and looking for my knife I begin to hear another sound, and I realize my "intruder" was Laughing!

I turn around and see my son red faced and bent over laughing at the top of his lungs. "You should see your face!!!" he says.

"Devon! You scared the heck out of me" I scoffed.

Still laughing he says "I've never seen you move that fast mom"

He walks out of my room still laughing on his way out and says " ah, that was great! "

I didn't sleep at all that night.

Since then I have been plotting and planning on how I could get him back; but all that went out the window when opportunity presented itself.

It was the perfect setting, Friday afternoon and I left work a little early, traffic was a breeze so my normal 40 minute drive took 15 minutes.

I open the front door and hear the shower upstairs running. A ha! This is going to be good!

I slowly sneak up the stairs as quiet as a mouse and slither into his bathroom.

I inch my way to the shower and count it down 3 - 2 - 1....

I rip the shower curtain back and yell "How you doin?"

Fear and panic took over his face and I hear this loud, high pitched, glass breaking, Mariah Carey high note scream.

"aaahhh hahaha!" I busted out laughing, "You sound like a girl!"

The look of fear on his face quickly turns into rage as he slams the shower curtain shut and says "Don't talk to me!"

Karma is a "B" kiddo and so am I!

...still laughing about that one!

Stella aint getting her groove back

So there is this guy in my community, he lives in the end unit and everyday I drive by his house. He is usually outside, most of the time with his shirt off and he is the most gorgeous man I have ever seen.

Apparently it's obvious I find him attractive because according to my son I slow down when we drive by and my face gets bright red. Dev has even started trying to cover my eyes or block my view whenever he is outside now.

This is important for you to know as my story progresses.

This evening Dev and I went to my community's gym so I got to walk by his house but he was not outside.

We work out, I do the elliptical, the treadmill, I even do some weights. I realize I'm only thirty minutes in and I'm exhausted... "Dev Im done" I say, "let's go!"

We leave the gym and Dev trails behind me to stretch. As I round the corner I realize my guy is outside. "Oh my" I think to myself, "I look like crap but this may be my only chance to ever say hello." I pull the scrunchie out of my hair, begin to jog as fast as i can so he knows I've been "working out" and I look in his direction.

It was like a movie, his muscles clinching to his Tshirt, his beautiful skin glistening under the light of the moon and in slow motion he looks up and makes eye contact. I begin to smile as I jog by while my lips slowly begin to form the word "hello"...

Before i can get the word out of my mouth Devon comes walking up behind me at a normal pace actually passes me as Im trying to jog and says "Jeez mom you only worked out for thirty minutes the least you could do is actually jog home!"

I hear the guy laugh and I run the entire rest of the way home in shame.

Yeah...Good times, Love that kid!

Mom, it's okay.... I am just smarter than you!

Last nite.

“Whatcha doing Dev?” I asked him as he sat there with pen and paper in hand.   “Homework” (his one word replies are becoming an art form)

“What class?” I ask.  He looks like at me as if I am disturbing him and replies “Algebra”.  Now if I were a smart woman I may have stopped there satisfied that he was doing his homework but no, I continue determined to be an involved parent.  “You need any help?”  I ask him. 

The long sigh of annoyance fills the room, he puts his pencil down and looks me straight in the eye “Mom, no offense but you can’t help me with this stuff, it’s very complicated”.

I gasp in disbelief that he could say such a thing.  “Devon! I will have you know that I took Algebra and passed in high school AND I have a college degree so I am sure I can help you with your little homework assignment.” Humph… the audacity!

“Fine!” He gives in but is clearly aggravated by the disturbance.  He calls out what I have determined must be alien coding or a language from a third world country “What is:  | 3x - 2 | = 8 and | x + 1 | = 1”

A moment (let’s be honest more like five moments of silence) goes by then he says “Mom, you look confused.” 

“No Devon, I am just trying to visualize the question!” 

Panic begins to take over as I realize I can in no way, shape or form solve this problem.

“You don’t understand it do you?” he says.  After a few more awkward moments of silence I admit defeat… “No” I mumble feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

Sensing my shame and humiliation he says “Mom, its okay.   I am just smarter than you but it’s nothing to be ashamed of.  I still need you… and right now I need you to go fix me a bowl of ice cream please so I can finish my homework…”

But I got the last laugh my friends… I didn’t make him that bowl of ice cream!!!