Taco Night!

This one is a shorty but totally cracked me up..

Got home from work and decided to make tacos for dinner.

I get out the meat and put it in the skillet, chop the tomatoes and shred the cheese.

While the meat was cooking I decided to sit down and go through the mail, my son walks in and says "Hey ma, watcha doin?"

"Goin thru the mail" I replied. "Hey Dev," I ask . "Can you please stir the meat for me?"

"Sure!" he answered sounding especially perky...

Out of the top of my eye I see movement so I glance up to see him standing there with one hand on his head and the other in the air, while he is moving his hips around in a circle, hoola-hoop style.

"Devon!" I exclaim.

"Mom" he says and looks at me as if I were the crazy one... "You told me to stir the meat!"

Come on, Hit me mom!

Today was a school holiday so after sleeping all day he was primed and ready when I got home from work. Unfortunately I worked a ten hour day...

"Hey mom, how was your day, what's for dinner?"

"It was good, how was yours and quesadillas."

He proceeded to tell me about all the things he did during the day in between eating and sleeping.

He eats and then is ready to play. He dances and plays with the dog, we play toss the empty milk jug around, we talk and finally i stop to clean the kitchen.

"Come on mom, I'm bored hit me with something?"

"Devon! I'm not going to hit you with something.."

"Come on mom I'll show you my ninja reflexes" he says

"No!" I reply

He persists "Hit me! Throw something at me!!"

"No!" again I refuse.

He begins to get irritated "Hit me wit something!" he yells.

Then this weird low pitched noise comes out of his mouth."aaaaaaaaaauuuuuunnnnkkk!"

Then again "aaaaaaaaaaaauuuuunk!" and again "aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuunnnnk!"

"Mom, I'm going to keep doing this until you hit me with something!"

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuunk!" "aaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuunnnnnnk!"

So what's a mom to do? I pick up the empty milk jug and hurl it at him. Well needless to say "Moms still got it, cuz his ninja reflexes weren't as fast as my Chinese throwing jug and I nailed him right in the face to which of course he replies.....

"I can't believe you hit me!" and he stormed off.

Don't worry folks at home, the only thing hurt was his ego!

Scared the Bajeezies out of him

Three months ago.

It was bedtime, I said good nite and sent him off to his room then settled in to a nice hot shower.

After relaxing from my shower I put on my jammies, came out of the bathroom, slid into my bed and snuggled up to my comforter.

A few stretches and a deep sigh later I closed my eyes and began to fall into a slumber. Suddenly I hear a deep mans voice from under the side of my bed say "How you doin?"

I screamed bloody murder! I jumped out of my bed and began looking for the kitchen knife I hide next to my bed.

Oh lord, You hear about this happening to other people but this was happening to me. There is an intruder in MY house!

Still screaming and looking for my knife I begin to hear another sound, and I realize my "intruder" was Laughing!

I turn around and see my son red faced and bent over laughing at the top of his lungs. "You should see your face!!!" he says.

"Devon! You scared the heck out of me" I scoffed.

Still laughing he says "I've never seen you move that fast mom"

He walks out of my room still laughing on his way out and says " ah, that was great! "

I didn't sleep at all that night.

Since then I have been plotting and planning on how I could get him back; but all that went out the window when opportunity presented itself.

It was the perfect setting, Friday afternoon and I left work a little early, traffic was a breeze so my normal 40 minute drive took 15 minutes.

I open the front door and hear the shower upstairs running. A ha! This is going to be good!

I slowly sneak up the stairs as quiet as a mouse and slither into his bathroom.

I inch my way to the shower and count it down 3 - 2 - 1....

I rip the shower curtain back and yell "How you doin?"

Fear and panic took over his face and I hear this loud, high pitched, glass breaking, Mariah Carey high note scream.

"aaahhh hahaha!" I busted out laughing, "You sound like a girl!"

The look of fear on his face quickly turns into rage as he slams the shower curtain shut and says "Don't talk to me!"

Karma is a "B" kiddo and so am I!

...still laughing about that one!

What he wants to be when he grows up.

Sitting on the couch watching HSN and trying to figure out how in the world Snookie from Jersey Shore got her own perfume and more importantly why people are buying it. Oh yes the smell of booze, sweat and STD,s sounds fab! Send me three.

Just as my brain cells begin to swell Devon pops in and says "Hey Ma!" "How much money do strippers make?"

Wait, what? Did I hear that question correctly? I decide to see where he was going with this and replied "Well, I guess it would depend on if they were any good at it ?" ( Ok don't judge me, how else are you supposed to answer a question like that? )

"Ok" he says, "How old do you have to be to be a stripper? "

I mute Snookie and look at him inquisitively. "18" I answer.

Now I have figured out by now where he is going with this but I'm going to see just how far he is going to take this conversation.

A few minutes pass as I sit there open eyed waiting for it and then he says it "Mom, how would you feel if I became stripper?"

I cracked up laughing...on the inside but on the outside I sit there straight faced "Well Devon, it's not the career I would want for you"

"Just listen" he says, "I could do it for a year and save up all the money, I'm sexy so I know I could make good money then I could use it to buy a car"

Now... On one hand I can't help but be proud that he is business minded and planning out how he will be able to afford a car but on the other hand... "Oh hell to the nah!"

How do I get outta this one you ask? "Devon that is a great thought starter but marinate on it for a little while and see If you can come up with a better idea for a starter business. "

"Ok" he says, "I'll be back."

"I'll be here!" I reply.

You know how we as parents always say "kid, you can come to me about anything" yah... Seriously re-thinking that!

Stella aint getting her groove back

So there is this guy in my community, he lives in the end unit and everyday I drive by his house. He is usually outside, most of the time with his shirt off and he is the most gorgeous man I have ever seen.

Apparently it's obvious I find him attractive because according to my son I slow down when we drive by and my face gets bright red. Dev has even started trying to cover my eyes or block my view whenever he is outside now.

This is important for you to know as my story progresses.

This evening Dev and I went to my community's gym so I got to walk by his house but he was not outside.

We work out, I do the elliptical, the treadmill, I even do some weights. I realize I'm only thirty minutes in and I'm exhausted... "Dev Im done" I say, "let's go!"

We leave the gym and Dev trails behind me to stretch. As I round the corner I realize my guy is outside. "Oh my" I think to myself, "I look like crap but this may be my only chance to ever say hello." I pull the scrunchie out of my hair, begin to jog as fast as i can so he knows I've been "working out" and I look in his direction.

It was like a movie, his muscles clinching to his Tshirt, his beautiful skin glistening under the light of the moon and in slow motion he looks up and makes eye contact. I begin to smile as I jog by while my lips slowly begin to form the word "hello"...

Before i can get the word out of my mouth Devon comes walking up behind me at a normal pace actually passes me as Im trying to jog and says "Jeez mom you only worked out for thirty minutes the least you could do is actually jog home!"

I hear the guy laugh and I run the entire rest of the way home in shame.

Yeah...Good times, Love that kid!

Hold my ankles!

Sitting on my bed watching TV when Dev walks in. "Mom, I need your help"

"What's up?" I ask . He says "Ok, I am going to test my arm strength". "Oh boy!" I think to myself, "one of us is going to get hurt. "

I ask "What exactly are you wanting to do Dev?". "Just come here" he says and he proceeds to lay down on my bedroom floor on his stomach with his head touching the wall.

"Ok" he says, "I'm going to count to three and I want you to grab my ankles and lift me up against the wall"...

"Devon... son" I explain, "there is no way I can lift you from the floor by your ankles up in the air backwards to prop you against the wall it's not physically possible".

He pauses and I see the wheels turning. He stands back up and says "ok let's try this, I'm going to put my hands on the floor and then you lift my legs up against the wall. "

"Devon, your going to hurt yourself or hurt me" I plead with him trying to get him to listen to reason but he refuses. "Mom come on let's go, just try it" he says.

At this point I realize I will be here all night if I don't let him try so I give in but already know the end results.

Here we go... He bends over and plants his hands on the floor. I grab one ankle at a time and with all my might Barely manage to lift his legs half way in the air when he yells out "Oh God! his arms give out and he lands on his face, meanwhile I am still holding his ankles in the air. " Never mind, never-mind!" he screams, "Put me down!"

He lies on the floor for a few minutes gets up and says "Yeah, that wasn't a good idea!"

Ya think?

A man has his ways...

We are at basketball practice and it's going on hour two. For the past 30 minutes he has been giving me the "drink" hand motion.

He finally comes over and says "mom , I need a drink". "Devon I don't have any money go to the water fountain".

He leaves and comes back "mom I need something to drink the fountain is broke"

"Devon" I say, "I don't know what you want me to do, I don't have any money on me, go in bathroom and drink from the faucet. "

He scoffs at the notion. "you never have any money, you need to start bringing a drink with you" he says and walks off in a huff.. Literally 30 seconds later he walks up to me drinking a Powerade.

"Where did you get that?" I inquire.

"A man has his ways mom" to which I reply "well I need a my light bill paid can you work that out?"

He says "I'll see what I can do"

Mom, it's okay.... I am just smarter than you!

Last nite.

“Whatcha doing Dev?” I asked him as he sat there with pen and paper in hand.   “Homework” (his one word replies are becoming an art form)

“What class?” I ask.  He looks like at me as if I am disturbing him and replies “Algebra”.  Now if I were a smart woman I may have stopped there satisfied that he was doing his homework but no, I continue determined to be an involved parent.  “You need any help?”  I ask him. 

The long sigh of annoyance fills the room, he puts his pencil down and looks me straight in the eye “Mom, no offense but you can’t help me with this stuff, it’s very complicated”.

I gasp in disbelief that he could say such a thing.  “Devon! I will have you know that I took Algebra and passed in high school AND I have a college degree so I am sure I can help you with your little homework assignment.” Humph… the audacity!

“Fine!” He gives in but is clearly aggravated by the disturbance.  He calls out what I have determined must be alien coding or a language from a third world country “What is:  | 3x - 2 | = 8 and | x + 1 | = 1”

A moment (let’s be honest more like five moments of silence) goes by then he says “Mom, you look confused.” 

“No Devon, I am just trying to visualize the question!” 

Panic begins to take over as I realize I can in no way, shape or form solve this problem.

“You don’t understand it do you?” he says.  After a few more awkward moments of silence I admit defeat… “No” I mumble feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

Sensing my shame and humiliation he says “Mom, its okay.   I am just smarter than you but it’s nothing to be ashamed of.  I still need you… and right now I need you to go fix me a bowl of ice cream please so I can finish my homework…”

But I got the last laugh my friends… I didn’t make him that bowl of ice cream!!!

A bird took a Shitake...

It’s a beautiful Saturday morning car ride, the sun is shining the air is cool and crisp when out of nowhere Devon says "Mom a bird took a giant shitake on your window" “Devon!” I respond “don't say that word.” "Mom!” he says, “it's a type of mushroom.”  “Devon just don't say it!” I repeat.  "Fine!" he pauses for a minute and then says to me "Mom a bird took a giant Shih Tzu on your window..."

Get me a Drink MOM!

It’s bedtime. 

From his bedroom he yells “Mom!”  I get up and go to my bedroom door so I can hear him better.  “What Dev?”  He says, "Can u go downstairs and get me something to drink?" “Uh no Dev” I reply and return to my bed. Clink! Clink! Clink! goes the sound of metal.  I go to the hallway to see what the ruckus is and see him standing in his doorway clinking his crutches together.  Mind you he isn’t using his crutches to walk around they just happened to be in his room.

“Dev what are you doing?” I ask.  "Mom please go get me something to drink" I hold my ground. “No Devon, you go get it!” Clink! Clink! Clink!...

I yell, “DEVON!!!!” to which he replies "I got all night mom and plenty of stuff to make noise with"..... I got him a drink!

Best Doctor's visit ever!

This morning on our way to the Doctors office I asked him, did you make sure your socks don’t have holes in them?  “Yeah mom, I got it”

We get to the Doctors office and the nurse asks him to take his shoes off and get on the table.  Nurse exits.  Devon lays down to get comfortable and of course I noticed a hole in his sock.  “Devon, you have a hole in your sock.” And I chuckle because inside I am saying “I told you so…”

He sits up and inspects the hole, turns his sock around so the hole is on the bottom of his foot as to hide it.  He looks at me and says “Don’t say anything!”

Enter, Doctor, Doctor in training and nurse.  Son I need to you lay on your stomach with your feet facing upwards.  As he rolls over the Doctor in training says “Hey!  You have a hole in your sock!” 

Best Doctor’s visit ever!